For release at 0900 hrs December 29, 2009:
Transport Canada in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security of the US have cleared up the recent confusion about ‘carry on bags or not’ and the ‘pat down procedures’ on US bound flights by waiving all prior advisories about pat downs and carry on bags and clearly stating the new policy.
Effective December 29, 2009 at 0900 hrs, all passengers boarding all flights intending to land in the US must strip completely naked prior to check-in and both their carry on bags and clothes will be placed in a basket that customers can reclaim at their final designation. This procedure will result in increased security and comfort for all passengers and will result in more on time departures. As most terrorists are Muslim men and their religion forbids them from seeing naked women, it further hoped that terrorists will avoid flights abiding by the new flight safety rules. These new rules have been tested thoroughly in an open environment and most passengers seemed to both enjoy the new rules and easily conform. (photo attached for news wire use).
Aeroplan also announced the creation of the additional frequent flyer club called ‘Mile High Club’ where points will be awarded to both qualifying members.
The Transport Canada rules make clothing optional for all airline crews except Air Canada Flight attendants where Transport Canada has mandated that they (Air Canada Flight Attendants) must remain fully clothed to protect passengers from suffering heart attacks due to the visual shock.
When the spokeswoman was asked how these new regulations will affect pro athletes, she speculated ‘that Tiger Woods will now come out of hiding and will fly quite frequently.”
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